Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, there were two people who were in love very much. They were progressive in their approach; he treated his lover as an equal and she knew she could count on herself, always, to be her own rescuer, even when her beloved wasn’t present. They generally fitted the social norms (what with being heterosexual, monogamous, loyal to each other and doing work that didn’t ruffle too many feathers), so theirs should have been a happy fairytale. It should have ended with a happily ever after.
But many other people were not as happy as them. They were not so lucky as to have battled through hardships together, to be able to lean on each other or feel they can count on themselves; and because unhappy people are always loud, and loud generally becomes pressure, and pressure becomes a part of social life, they, too, soon began to have that pressure imposed upon them. Their own families spoke against the other behind their backs. Friends condemned each action and formed camps. Neighbours jeered at their happiness and sowed doubt in the hearts of all who knew them about them actually having a relationship stronger than everybody else.
Acquaintances believed stories they heard.
Random strangers sneered at them when they were holding hands.
Scribes and scholars wrote long, learned articles about something they often knew nothing about, relationships and how one should fare and feel. Town pubs and criers were full of speech about the same topic, just on a linguistically lower level. Judges passed laws that did not reflect how many behaved to each other, but how others thought they should. And men and women formed camps against each other, and ostracised those who would not show interest, until the two stood all alone.
In the end, the pressure began to wear them down. It became too much. And then, our lovers made the worst mistake ever. Instead of leaving to find a better place, or fighting loudly as they should have from the start, they began to feel trapped, feeling trapped led into depression and anxiety, and they began to argue. With arguments came accusations that hurt because they had a grain of truth in them. Neither was exactly in the situation the other was, and the situation was changing constantly anyway. And sometimes, one was more tired than the other, or had been exposed to more pressure. It began to be difficult to understand each other, and as their frayed nerves began to give, others noticed that, and poured oil on the situation, mainly because doing so makes people feel better about themselves.
And the lovers became ever more bitter, they argued more still and smiled and laughed less. Their mutual affection suffered, and their bed grew cold. That in itself was another part of their frustration, which led into guilt and more anger and hate and bitterness, and even suspicion that the one does not feel any longer for the other, or vice versa.
In the end, their situation became so horrible that they parted.
And everyone who was miserable was no more happy for it, but felt contented, because the great love that the two had had was no more, and did not exist any longer to whisper of what could be, to show what one can aspire for. Instead, they settled into contented thinking that misery was all that there was, and that the two had never had anything special anyway.
And the light that had burned in the land was extinguished, and was no more.
The end.
The above scribble of mine is a pretty accurate representation of partnership in our world. Love has become a much doubted term, mainly by people who have had a few bad experiences, or had grown up in families that were anything but loving, and never put that ghost to rest. On one hand, love is still something to aspire to; on the other, it is constantly put to test by the general environment, ranging from family and friends to complete strangers writing judgemental articles in Cosmo, to support, with no actual knowledge of sociology, psychology, anthropology or pretty much anything else but their own bad mood, the claims they put on paper (or electronic page).
These days, partners have to face a lot more than just the usual issues of past rigid societies. Even in fluid or relatively fluid societies, there are always groups who disseminate their distaste for partnerships, and they are loud; there is always something wrong with love, be it that it doesn’t correspond to a political or religious agenda, someone’s activist convictions or simply doesn’t fit the pattern in which men and women cannot coexist and love peacefully.
Life is built up of chances. Those chances and the choices we may take are too often presented as some grand truths, and few steps are taken to prevent them from being exhibited around in that way. Women’s magazines especially, while often not devoid of other content, represent this duality perfectly – on one hand, some generalised articles on sex, beauty and happy life for oneself and as a couple, including some interesting tips now and then; this side of the argument is generally based on a positive portrayal of partnership(s) and is non-judgemental and proactive. On the other, there are scathing articles on how love is a sham, dating doesn’t work, sex is awful for women (I beg to differ…) and how, whatever you do, things will always go wrong for you because you were born without the dangly bits between your legs.
These articles are not based on social facts, they are not based on some biological facts of humans as species…they are based on a few bad experiences of the authors, and take nothing else into account – but they do try to appeal to other women with such experiences, and it is there that the audience for them is built.
That this is detrimental to not only women but society as a whole is definite. There is nothing worse for one’s success (in love or business, as well as building an egalitarian group of any size) than feeling that whatever you do, you will be disadvantaged. That there is no way for you to get over that disadvantage. The fact that many of the best paid and most successful people in the world right now are women (cf. here & here) is dismissed with a wave of the hand. They must have slept around. They are evil. They are not like us. It’s not true.
This is actually far worse than a single misogynist comment of someone who is entrenched in a far-fetched, outdated perspective on the world. It is worse because it feeds into whatever those who have grown up uncertain, who need to be lifted up rather than given the same treatment that they have undoubtedly already been given aplenty, had been told repeatedly. The midnight fears that keep us awake at night, when the disparaging voices of teachers, parents, grandparents and false friends echo in our minds and repeat over and over that we are worthless, weak, useless, and that we will never amount to anything more than others let us. This is where this apparently feminist rhetoric lands us also.
There is no denying that discrimination exists. This, however, is not how to fight it. Fighting it happens. It happens every time a woman explodes when someone says “let you”. It happens when the male colleagues treat a woman the same way that they treat each other… not as some precious princess who can’t deal with her environment. That is as trapping as if gender segregation is taken to the next level, with women forced to wear what society or religion deems fit for them, behave as society and religion deems fit for them and feel and think, body and mind, as society and religion deems fit for them.
And guess what – it also happens when women treat men the same way.
Relationships are not only subject to the gender wars, which often treat the equality that the partners wish to accord each other as unmanageable and undesired, because they do not fit with the overall agenda of how things are supposed to be by the perception of the maladaptive, who fail to change their personal circumstances. They are subject to micromanagement of what two consenting adults are expected, even allowed, to get up to in the context of their sex life, without considering that the two have already given consent that does not concern the rest of the world. Whether or not someone wishes to be dominated is bedroom context is of no consequence to safety of men or women around the world, and should be left well alone by the eager activists; at the same time, the entrenched notions of abuse only happening in specific contexts enable the abusers that live outside of this context to happily go on with what they are doing, because the world doesn’t feel they are doing it anyway.
This way, abusive women in heterosexual relationships get away with it as much as abusive lesbian or gay partners, mainly because especially female activists choose to close their eyes to the fact that abuse and victimisation are not stamped into the X and Y chromosomes, but can happen whenever and wherever a maladaptive person finds an outlet for their anger. Abuse is also simplified – often, the angry or desperate outbursts of depression, CPTSD and PTSD sufferers especially are rapidly qualified as simply abusive, thus never offering the partners a chance to solve their problem through therapy, which would resolve everything and even strengthen the relationship rather than tear it down. Doubt is the worst poison for a partnership, and mental health issues create it in heaps. It is there because the person seems to be reacting to something, but that something often remains elusive. And instead of figuring it out, especially heterosexual relationships often fall upon deaf ears, because even advice of apparent “experts” often falls foul of societal expectations.
In business, it doesn’t get much better. We often live under a lot of stress that we fail to resolve (life saving tip – exercise!), and it will get to us. The gender abyss doesn’t help with this. Instead of coming home to a loving partner, we are constantly fed choice pieces about what we are supposed to be thinking, how our partner is supposed to behave, how much anyone should expect, as if relationship was a static, one size fits everyone overall.
It most definitely is not, and that is the worst stressor, especially for those uneasy in human relations… the feeling that one does not fit, again, does not build confidence, it tears it down. And make no mistake – no matter how loving and connected a couple, enough pressure will begin to wear them down. They may weather it with time and resistance, but they will not be the same people they once were. Something very precious will have been destroyed, at least to some extent, and it will never be the same.
I often notice just how much people rely on societal perspectives when they try to work through their insecurities. The ironic thing is that all too often, the real problem is something else, diligently kept under the surface, where it seems to be causing less pain, but in reality, this is toxic, possibly more painful and far more destructive.
In part that has to do with our close groups. Families and friends are often exclusivist in their approach; if there is a smidgeon of rigidity in them, then they will resist the notion of accepting another into their closed group. Never underestimate the toxicity of the incapability of parents to call their children’s partners and spouses by their name and be called by their name in turn. The “I now have a daughter/son as well”, “call me mom/dad” is not showing a wish to include someone – it shows a subconscious reluctance to accept anyone into your group if they are not related by blood. It shows, in short, a form of reluctance to let the children grow up and be their own people, as well as a form of incestual behaviour that is the core of rigid societies, where inequality of partners and sole belonging to a group when bound by blood are an unwritten law. At the same time, the cold approach of having to call the parents of your SO Mr/Mrs XYZ shows that there is no way to become accepted in the family at all.
In a similar way, BFFs who fail to accept a partner (or the male alternative) are less likely to be proactively supportive, but are likely to scapegoat.
At the end of the day, these maladaptive responses all highlight the same problem. Family may remain close knit even after the children have grown up, but the behaviour should shift. The family members should distance slowly to become the very best of friends rather than members of an exclusive group that are never going to be on an equal footing. Where this doesn’t happen, the relationship is highly likely to suffer from disappointed expectations… disappointed because they were always going to be negative, because growing up was a negative experience that should not have happened. (i.e. it destroyed the status quo of the primary caregivers and even their wider family/ friend circle)
In the same way, friends often refuse to acknowledge the passage of time and the fact that things change as they go along. Partners, pets, children, moving, job changes are all a part of an adult’s life, much like school changes affect children and teens and University choices affect young adults. But often, these changes are quietly rebelled at. A woman who misses her guy when she is having a girls’ night out (from which he is of course excluded) is mocked for being too attached, not being independent enough. A man who feels the same on a night out with the guys (from which his female partner is also excluded) is jeered at for being effeminate, whipped.
Discussions of how unhealthy this apparently is (with the infinite wisdom from failed relationships, both the speaker’s, those of someone they know and Cosmo when everything else fails) is brought forth and debated until uncertainty hopefully settles in. A group may then drop the person slowly or may insist in sowing doubt (because all men/women are alike anyway) until the relationship gets on the rocks, at which point they will make sure it is destroyed and then “console” the grieving party, saying that they always knew the other person was bad for them, not to be trusted. A certain amount of “I told you so” is often expressed in very unequal relations (especially in pathological families, but also with parentifying friends, especially female), making the grieving partner feel like they can never trust their judgement, and effectively cutting them off from any positive memories that they had made, because surely, they must be a lie.
At the same time, this behaviour fails to consider that the “advice” given initially was solely from parties who clearly could not form attachment in a healthy way, and who admitted to following thoughts of (or being the thinker) those who did not ever manage a normal relationship.
If you were interested in making pancakes, whose advice would you seek – the person who successfully made an entire batch (and that without being forced into it by someone else – i.e. remained together because of socio-religious obligation) of tasty pancakes, even if one or two sometimes came out a bit thin or a bit burnt at the side, or someone who repeatedly tried but never even got the batter together?
Does this tie into business?
Certainly. Our modern fairy tale is very much built on social success, of which relationships and work success are pretty much an equal part – but the catch is that apparently, you cannot have both (again, I beg to differ).
Many women are told from day one that they are less capable (and that by other women as much as by men). At the same time, men are often obsessively groomed to become successful. Neither party actually has a say in this. And just as women are either told to stop their career now they are in a relationship and have/should have/might have babies (regardless of how the partners themselves feel about it or even a biological possibility to do so – many couples have trouble conceiving to the schedule of their parents and societal expectations) or are told that the partner is somehow “holding them back”, men get told that they are either less successful than their partner or have to deal with her being only interested in his money and social position.
None of these are harmless statements for relationships. They are also not harmless for self-perception and personhood. It is very difficult to remain certain in oneself when the people we should have reason to trust more than anyone and anything in the world are telling us things that poison our certainty, and there is likely to be a moment of “confirmation” somewhere along the way, when we are tired, or something has gone wrong or we are just feeling sensitive and vulnerable.
Gradually, success and relationship both can wear away this way, leaving nothing but a shell of what could have been.
And this is not a rare occurrence. We likely all know someone who has lived this nightmare, or have been through it ourselves. And we never ask ourselves just why things went the way they did.
Communication is the key to everything. In relationship as well as in society. That is why we should stop subjecting gender, work, success and relationships to negative sensationalism. Problems exist, certainly. But so do solutions. Instead of stressing out the discrimination, and that in a way that seems hopeless, we should examine it, work against it, but also point out all the positive things that are happening regardless of injustice existing. This is more likely to give hope to the women striving to overcome gender based work and society issues. Instead, we say – tough luck, XX, you should have come out XY, and leave it at that.
We should learn to examine our own mistakes – staying in the background or lacking a skill – and overcome them rather than blame gender. And above all, we should not subject our relationships to advice of those who are clearly not qualified to give it.
Almost every fairy tale can have a happy ending. It should be in your own hands to write yours. Recognising a potential problem is useful only insofar as we intend to work towards a solution. And the solution has more to do with our proactivity than we tend to think.