Partner communication is probably the most important thing that makes or breaks a relationship between you and your partner(s); it’s something everyone keeps saying you should do, but at the end of the day, most people still a) don’t do it, b) don’t really know what it means, c) don’t do enough of it.
Social, religious and cultural (especially traditionalist) views are often what plays a crucial role in communication between partners – for one, especially in the arranged marriage or any systems leaning towards it, the notion that partner communication is needed is actually not considered at all. The partners are forced together by their families, religious beliefs and the socio-cultural behaviour of their community; it is enough that each is slotted into a role and left there. Communication, that crucial thing for all living beings, is strongly discouraged if it is even acknowledged as existing. The partners serve the community by performing socio-cultural-religious roles that do not take into account consent, free will, like or dislike or even spousal abuse. There is plenty of data on this, so I will not go into a long debate on it here; suffice to say that personal happiness or even safety are not considered where matches are constructed by others.
Ironically, the problem that we face in the West is a form of latent or hidden matchmaking. When your mom doesn’t like him/her (regardless of your sexual orientation), when your family “does not approve”, when someone hopes you will “get someone better”, or worse still, that you will “finally realise that being straight is good for you”, these are technically all manipulations, more or less forceful, mostly psychologically though actual physical violence is not excluded, that are intended for one purpose only – to “guide” (ie force) you into a match with someone else, someone other than the person you have chosen. This is a serious matter, the more so because it is legally so difficult to address. Sure it falls under emotional blackmail, which falls under psychological torture if it goes far enough, but what is far enough? Surely, people are just “doing this for your own good”?
No, no, they are most definitely not. Sometimes, there is a partner chosen for you, and sometimes, the only real goal is to effectively ruin your personal life… and your future happiness. One thing I often have to tell my clients is that they need to understand that family does not mean rights. Your family does not have the right to control you. They do not have the right to manipulate you. They do not “know better” – no matter how old or young you are, this is you, and unless your interfering parent is a top-notch criminal profiler, who, without bias, recognises a lurking psychopath and manipulator in whoever you brought home for dinner, your parents, friends, teachers or anyone else who thinks they are called to do it has no right to interfere with your love life. Maybe it will work, maybe it won’t. Divorce rate is partly high because people interfere with couples and their lives, in all aspects of those lives. Divorce is nothing to be ashamed of (in fact, it has been practiced for a very, VERY long time, no matter what idiotic romance novels try to make you believe – want proof? Eleanor of Aquitaine, Queen Sybilla of Jerusalem, and many, many more before and after separated, divorced, annulled, remarried etc; come 20th century and everyone thinks it’s impossible oO), but it is also something that you should not just default to instead of trying to resolve the problem. Why? Because you may be divorcing due to people having stressed you both out. And that is why you really don’t want to prove Grima Wormtongues of your family and friendship circle right.
Not right per se. Anyone can say “I always knew that” but generally, that is, as we say, talking out of their arse. People have an uncanny capability of brewing trouble and then behaving as if this trouble happened on its own, with no responsibility on their parts, and others’ partnerships are actually a hugely used target in that respect. I often joke that by my experience, if you have someone in your life, you should be getting ready for war, because it almost invariably follows with many couples.
The reasons differ and they are all pathological. A certain amount of people technically commit a form of silent incest. You know your daddy, mommy or brother worrying about your cherry pop? That is actually incestual, and the behaviour typical of an abusive/jealous partner. Society encourages it, because of the extremist notion that your consent (whether or not you are female, this applies, to some extent, to men as well!) is not your own… as with all extremism, it belongs to the society, to your culture, to dispose of as they see fit, whether or not you consent to an act or action. It is immensely interesting that, in the same breath, we call women who decide, with a free will, about when they want sex, how much and with whom, emancipated and sluts; at the same time, a man is either experienced or a rake/womaniser.
We are taught, from day one, to effectively go for marriage or bust; and the only result is that many do not marry because marriage has been made repulsive to them. They may remain together for the rest of their lives, but marriage has been made into this hateful, destructive thing, which, if they enter, they enter because they feel obliged and pressured by their social group, and it is that pressure (which then continues into having children, how many children…) that will often crack or break even the best couples, couples that would have stayed together.
It is erroneous to think that love will conquer everything. It certainly helps, yes; but at the end of the day, when under constant quiet psychological attack, an attack you may not even be fully aware is happening (because everyone totally wants what’s good for you, right? Even if your decisions really couldn’t matter less!), where there is just an odd unpleasant, uncomfortable feeling (technically aversion therapy towards yourself, your decisions, your partner and your love and sexuality… your freedom!), things will deteriorate, and that quickly.
There are always reasons why one should break up a couple. They do not fit an idea; he/she does not fit expectations (and these expectations are NOT GOOD!); he/she is of different colour, religion (or is atheist), background… You name it.
The thing about any society is that there is a great deal of narcissism and paranoia incorporated into the more indoctrinated parts of it, and trust me when I say that those are not nurturing, loving second thoughts.
To truly care about someone is to allow them space. To be the safe haven when they need you, whether you are a friend, parent/guardian, sibling; to offer impartial advice (and really, clean up the biases before you open your mouth, and always ask yourself why you feel the way you do!) when asked or when you really do see that someone is struggling; to be helpful to the partner(s) without resentment, because if you want to help, sometimes talking it out with the other party(/ies) means that the conversation can truly start for the partners involved, because you offered that one step forward they could not take alone; to be constructive and to be kind. Otherwise, keep your big mouth shut and stay out of it. Majority of any cases I have seen and worked on have involved nothing more than the stress from the friends and family and community pressuring two people (in many cases people who have been brought together by this pressure anyway) and only a very small amount has actually included anything else, like a case of abuse that a partner was hiding (quite successfully) and yet the friends and family suspected something, and so on.
Sadly, it is also true that no person from a bio-normal, healthy family will ever put up with a pathological relationship. It is a fact that people whose normality has technically been an SCR context twisted normality, or, in other words, people who have grown up in emotionally pathological families, end up choosing partners who also exhibit this type of or similar behaviour – not because they feel guilty or crave punishment, but because they have gotten used to the fact that this is somehow normal and acceptable. They are willing to entertain thoughts and acts of abusive behaviour because this is somehow normal.
In simple terms – if you think that abuse is being burned with hot iron, a few slaps or broken bones really don’t count… except that they do, and they should.
And yet, victims of violence do not see it that way, and they go and end up with partners who treat them similarly, even if initially, they had put on a kind face.
It is not much different with people who grew up in more deeply indoctrinated environments. There is this crazy bug about how you have to “work on your marriage” that is really popular with these people, and they generally don’t know how to explain it when I ask them what this means. In reality, you do not have to work on anything. Life is a combination of two things – action and reaction. Communication between partners should take care of those two, and make things easy – there is no magical long term “work” that you have to undertake, as work represents extra actions that you should resort to, and that is simply not the case. You either love each other or you do not. If the flames have chilled, you have to first rule out physical illness (like Adison’s, prostate cancer and more), simple tiredness (which is all mood killer), depression and anxiety and PTSD. If none of these check out, then perhaps, you have just grown apart. We change constantly, and sometimes, that is what happens with partners. They become different people altogether, and in that case, it is much, much better (including for the kids, especially for the kids!) if you split up amicably, remain friendly, help each other and pursue separate lives. Everything else is just social pressure.
Sex is important, and it is important because it is both a physical and emotional bond between people. It is not there for procreation; like many other animals, humans do have sex simply because they feel the need for closeness and affection, and pregnancy does not happen every time you have sex in heterosexual couples (there goes that bubble…), so stop treating it as a procreative act only. This is a surefire way to ruin the intimacy for yourselves. The need to be close and to give each other the best possible experience there is is the motivator of sex; nothing else. Children happen as a result, planned or unplanned, and it is likelier that couples who think this way will keep an unplanned baby, and do so caringly and happily… if you thing you have to have a baby, or that you are not allowed to plan, use contraceptives or abort, the wish to be rid of what had been imposed on you will be bigger, and even if you keep the baby, the bond will often lack. In couples where communication lacks, sex and consent are often not included in the discussion, and in some communities/societies/cultures, these are not even topics you can discuss… but you should. Nothing in this world gives someone the right to another’s body, and while some feminist go into the other extreme and feel that consent should be discussed ad infinitem every time your partner (especially if we are talking heterosexual relationship) wants to be close, let alone intimate – which forgets the fact that you are not strangers and you are not wont to endanger each other! -, communication about feelings, emotions, wishes, fantasies and sensations are crucial for a warm, loving partnership, whether you are married or not.
Many couples distance because they are taught from day one (especially women) that they really need a child, and that means that instead of a healthy sexual and emotional relationship, a distance is formed and a child or children created as a safeguard, someone you are allowed to love. I probably do not need to explain (at least I hope not) that this is highly pathological. Your love for a child and your love for your partner are two VERY different things, and one should not exclude the other. Male or female, we all have needs and wishes, including sexual, and we should not be ashamed of them, ever. We should act upon them (with the exception of true pathological sexuality, obviously) and it should make us happy to be in that context with our partner(s).
I keep saying partner(s), which you have probably noticed; that is because there is no reason (apart from socio-cultural) to exclude the polyamorous relationships from partner talk. Poly relationships are often more aware of the need for communication than the average couple out there, possibly because a)they are already breaking the convention, so why not go for gold, and b)they have figured out that the more people are involved, the more talking about things is necessary.
This same is often true of the LGBT couples – if you have already “messed up” as far as much of society is concerned, you are likely to know your mind a lot more and stick to your behavioural patterns and the expression of them with greater certainty. Heterosexual couples, however, are often victims of that level of pestering that is already harrowing, is already abusive, but is neither acknowledged as such by the wider community/society nor is it clear enough that it is easy to come clean, even just to yourself, about how you feel and why. You may just seem paranoid to yourself, and even your partner may dismiss the concerns, because they, too, are labouring under the same delusional idea that things can work out. We are talking a perception of normality of a certain type of manipulation and quiet, persistent abuse, that is common… and therefore insidious and difficult to get rid of, because many people will, instead of at least staying out of it, side with the “concerned” party, rather than see things for what they are.
In many ways, this is a form of Factitious disorder by proxy (also known as Munchausen’s disorder by proxy), recognised and practiced by enough of society that it is part of aura of factuality, and therefore not perceived as a disorder, but simply a dismissible action that is ascribed best interests for a third party instead of seen as what it truly is.
But what is a part of communication? We have already discussed that life is action and reaction, so let’s put it into context.
Action – your OH tends to put the towel on the floor after showering. This annoys you – reaction.
Now for the question – why?
In practice, there can be many ways for the initial action to be continued.
He/she showers, leaves the towel on the floor after having wiped off, then
A) leaves it indefinitely, and if you don’t pick it up, the towel stays there and moulds (problem – careless behaviour towards objects, careless behaviour towards the partner i.e. expectation of a certain amount of servitude; a hidden depression; forgetfulness, which needs to be given a good reason – unless you are both old, people don’t just forget)
B) picks up the towel in the evening; that way, you only use one towel for the floor, which saves up on washing liquid etc. (problem – your perception of why they are doing this and why it is problematic; lack of communication about this matter, with a proper solution that pleases both parties; solution – perhaps buy a bathroom mat and communicate about how you could optimise the towel washing and why you feel you need to wash the towels every day/not wash the towels every day and whether or not you need to save up money, feel you need to act environmentally…)
C) only leaves the towel when you are about to shower; when he/she showers last, they pick up the towel (problem – why are you worked up about this? Communicate, clearly, and think hard about what this means to you, and why it upsets you)
There are serious matters – like abuse, manipulation, religious or political pressure, financial abuse, sexual abuse… And then there are little things that you often feel you should have a problem with (many times because you have been repeatedly told so) or that niggle at you for seemingly no good reason.
In cultures with a clear divide between male and female, and an expectation of little to no communication (like Latino culture, Slavic cultures, Hindi or African cultures… conservative Western communities…), even partners who are in love and actively participate in their life together, there is an expected passivity from both partners (usually, man is expected not to be emotional, not to care about household items, not to pay attention to little things that the behaviour of his wife may be showing; a woman, on the other hand, is expected to be emotional but restrained, to pay attention to her husband and never herself and to be caring and involved with household items) that is quietly instilled and encouraged. If this is the case with you, or if you have a racially/culturally/socially/religiously mixed partnership, you may need to pay special attention to the things you have been taught to miss. Often, partners from that kind of a background need to literally learn communication, and that against all odds, because while they are taking a logical step forward, their more conservative in-laws and friends are screaming against it, making it difficult.
The important thing is not to lose heart. It is certainly possible for a couple to learn or improve their communication, but communication must happen, no matter what. There is no way around it. The added bonus of it is that you will learn to be more relaxed with yourself, as well as each other. You must be both a priority on your own lives and the lives of the other… but the second will come automatically once you are no longer feeling pressured and feel free to talk things out.